MsLolaMpls

1. Your bartender is probably not going to give you service if you A) wave $20 in the air and B) yell “hey Juggs, over here!”

2. When I ask you how everything is, don’t just fucking stare at me; contrary to what you may think, sometimes I actually do give a shit.

3. If you want fucking steak sauce when I just went to fetch you ketchup, ask when I went to get the ketchup, I am not a fucking marathon runner.

4. $0.43 is not a tip, save it and get the fuck out of my face.

5. Unless you are at Chuck E. Cheese, don’t let your little fuckers run around. I am trying to do my job, which is fine enough with out me tripping over your little monsters. 

6. Don’t grab my ass, arm, or any other part of me; I am not a stripper, I’m a server, and even if I were a stripper I would probably still want to punch you in the face.

7. You can clearly see that I am talking to another guest, don’t interrupt me, I’ll be over to you as soon as I can. You are entitled to great service, but I am NOT your personal fucking servant.

8. Do not ask me what I really do, or what my real job is. For some servers that is their career path. I actually like my job, and it is real, with real money and real assholes to deal with. Yes, I went to college for 5 years to ask you if you want fries, a baked potato or a damn mixed greens salad, but some people didn’t, and you need to just get the fuck over it.

9. If you are not ready to order, DO NOT make me stand there while you peruse the menu. Again, I will be right fucking back, you are just making other people wait for something that they already know they want.

10. Don’t ask me what is good. 95% of the time you are not going to take my suggestion anyway. Know what is good, when you order something and I can get back to my fuckin’ job!

11. “Are the homemade chicken fingers good?” UH…do you like fucking chicken?….Do you like fried food?….Do you like to dip fried chicken into a sauce? These are all questions you could have asked yourself before you ask me. They are chicken strips, you either like them or you don’t.

12. Diet-Coke drinkers: why, pray tell, do you down the Diet-Coke? I re-fill more diet soda than anything else. I know it is free, if you could, please, limit yourself to five… I’d be okay with that.

13. No server wants to work brunch, yet, brunch is the most demanding shift. If you don’t want to pay $13 for eggs benedict, stay at home and eat cheerios, don’t bitch to me that it is overpriced, I just work here.

14. No, you can’t get a free drink or meal. Don’t even joke about it, I hear that shit at least twice a night, “that is on the house, right?” Wrong. It is not funny, it is a fucking business, you wouldn’t go to Target and ask if that laundry soap is on the house. 

15. When I am bartending and it is not the normal Friday night guy don’t ask where Mark is, don’t tell me that he usually “hooks you up” I don’t fucking care. Mark can give away the bar, I don’t care if you know him, a beer is five bucks. Can’t afford it? Go to the liquor store and get a 12 pack.